cold tangerines

A long blog posting is here! I figure I'm due for one anyway. And this one is deeply personal, so if you are in the mood for such as this, then read on. I hope you find it meaningful.

One of my lifelong, closest friends, Lindsey, gave me this book for my birthday back in November and it's been *exactly* what I have needed. The author, Shauna Niequest, is a gifted writer, conveying the truth of God's grace and the beauty of seeing Him in everyday life, through short, real-life stories and musings.

I share this book with you because the opening chapter hooked me instantly, as she concisely writes about something I have wrestled with for almost 4 years now. Let me back up first, though, to a February afternoon in 2004. I had just cleaned out my closet and Lindsey came over to see if she wanted anything; I often clean out my closet and love to both give and receive hand-me-downs (in fact, Churchills, Shannon and I used to love to get your old clothes!). Anyway, back to the point of this post. I was in a spiritual funk when Linds came over. I'm sure many of you know what I mean by this: you don't feel close to God, don't feel like you know yourself, feel like you have taken 1 step forward, 2 steps back, etc. Specifically, I was wrestling with grace versus works. I remember sharing with Linds that I was struggling with feeling close to God, hearing His voice, knowing His will, and seeing growth/fruit in my life (always a big one for me). I processed for at least 2 hours, and finally came to the conclusion of, "Enjoy the journey." God is going to do what He is going to do and I need to be OK with that, to enjoy the moments and the time it takes to get to where I'm going. That may not seem all that insightful to any of you, but at the moment, it was an incredible "aha" moment for me and I've been trying to rest and enjoy the journey ever since. And when I came across this exact point in Cold Tangerines, I had to share it because it conveys, incredibly simply, a life lesson I am still learning and trying to live today.

The opening chapter, "On Waiting," summed up that 2 hour conversation from almost 4 years ago. I have pieced together what spoke to me specifically, the words that had me sit up straighter and say aloud several times, "yes! yes!" It's lengthy, but well worth your time (and I highlighted what I really loved):

"I have always, essentially, been waiting. Waiting to become something else, waiting to be that person I always thought I was on the verge of becoming, waiting for that life I thought I would have...and through all that waiting, here I am. My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start...I love movies with the "Big Moment"--the game or the performance or the wedding day or the record deal, the stories that split time with that key event, and everything is reframed, before it and after it, because it has changed everything. I have always wanted this movie-worthy event...The "Big Moment" however is an urban myth...[yet], this is what I am finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way. That thing I'm waiting for, that adventure, that movie-score-worthy experience unfolding gracefully. This is it. Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets--this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience....I don't want to wait anymore. I choose to believe that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this day. I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold. The big moments are the daily, tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another...the big moments are in every hour, every conversation, every meal, every meeting. I believe that if we cultivate a true attention, a deep ability to see what has been there all along...the nuances and shades and secrets and intimations of love and friendship and marriage and parenting are action-packed and multicolored, if you know where to look. Today is your big moment. Moments, really. The life you have been waiting for is happening all around you. The scene unfolding right outside your window is worth more than the most beautiful painting, and the crackers and peanut butter you are having for lunch on the coffee table are as profound, in their own way, as the Last Supper. This is it. This is life in all its glory, swirling and unfolding around us, disguised as pedantic, pedestrian non-events...you have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural. You are more than dust and bones. You are spirit and power and image of God. And you have been given Today." (p.15-18)

I am seeking to live out this truth. Enjoy the journey, see God today, and walk in His grace, moment by moment.