Sunday, August 9, 2009

still growing

Even as a 30 year old woman, I'm still learning so much about myself, my hangups, and my habits. Recently, I feel like God is stirring up some deep issues within my heart and for the first time in a long time, I think I'm really listening and ready to change. In no particular order:

1. I've always seen budgeting as "How much can I spend?" For some reason, it hit me the other week that this isn't the best mentality. Rather, I should be thinking, "How much can I save?" It's been a bit earth-shattering for me. And for once, I've actually been staying below our budget.

2. I've often turned to food in an unhealthy matter, being gluttonous, eating out of boredom, or using food as a reward for something I've done or a bad day I've had. I'm re-thinking how I eat and how often I eat. I'm trying to really enjoy the meals before me and not over-indulge. This past March, my good friend Molly (from DTS) and I attended a seminar on body image and how woman view themselves. Food was a key issue. I've been mulling several points, one being: Eat to hunger and fullness. Cynthia, the speaker, challenged us to think about when we ate and how much we ate. To not be in a constant state of eating, of revolving everything we do around when we will eat next or what we will eat. And you know what? For the first time in a very long time, I'm actually thinking about how much I'm eating, when I'm eating, and if I really want or need to eat. It's been freeing.

3. I'm a struggling mother. Motherhood, while full of joy and beauty and laughter, is challenging--and sometimes that's an understatement. I've only been a mother for 2 1/2 years and by far, this has been the most refining thing in my life. It's a continual process of dying to self, of choosing to play with and engage with my children, rather than doing something I want to do. I feel my mind and heart are constantly in need of realignment.

Thanks be to God for His continual love and pursuit of me, of His endless patience when I fall. I feel I'm being renewed.


  1. Lots of insight. :) Thanks for sharing.

  2. It's hard to stay disciplined, especially when it comes to money and food, unless we're really intentional about it. Thanks for sharing ... we can all benefit from stepping back and reflecting like this from time to time. I'm not saying I'm going to quit eating more than I need cold turkey, but you've got it in my mind to at least start thinking about it!

  3. Love how refreshing your honesty is! xoxo

  4. Boy, can I identify with #3. While eating and spending money aren't my struggle as much.... that motherhood one gets me every time. It trumps any other struggle I've ever had. I'm so glad to hear your heart about choosing to engage and dying to self. Hang in there, my sweet friend!

  5. suz, i love your honesty about things everyone has dealt with in some fashion. I think it's interesting that the things that can bring us the most joy, ie marriage, children and of course our relationship with our Heavenly Father, are also the things that take us through the most refining, as you put it. keep growing and reminding us to do the same. xxoo