Wednesday, August 24, 2011

a life lost, yet HOPE in what is to come

To be honest, I've had this post written in my head since we found out we lost our baby at 10 weeks in utero last week. But, I've had a difficult time coming up with a title for this post. I'm not devastated, so the title couldn't be too heavy; and yet, I'm mourning, so it couldn't be too upbeat. And what kind of photo to display for a post on miscarriage?

A sweet friend brought these flowers to me last week, my favorite, gerber daisies (not even sure she knows that!). This was our wedding flower, representing the start of our life together as a family, and today they adorn our table, representing a life lost from our family.

I'll admit I didn't see a miscarriage pronouncement coming. I've had 3 healthy babies, healthy pregnancies and deliveries, so why would this one be any different? After a routine visit last Monday to my OB, the sonogram revealed no heartbeat. Aron was with the kids at home, so I was alone at the OB's office, but if you know me, you've heard me talk about my amazing OB here in Dallas. She's seen me through 2 of my 3 pregnancies (though never delivered either of my oldest), so was literally the perfect friend to be with me in a moment of sorrow.

When I saw the ultrasound with our sweet little peanut and no beating heart, my own heart felt heavy and I shed a few tears. But, as I began to process aloud with my OB, I felt flooded with a sense of deep peace, knowing this sweet baby boy or girl was in heaven, joy-filled and in perfect happiness with the Savior. This is the HOPE we have as believers in Christ; in the words of Jesus, "In this life you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world" (John 16:33). We live in a broken world where loss is a common experience to all human beings and yet, Jesus came to bring life, life eternal and one day, our family will be reunited with our sweet babe who has already gone before us into His arms. In those moments as I looked at our lost life, I was deeply grateful for the 3 beautiful children that are already mine. No doubt, in those initial moments, God met my emotional and physical loss in a very real and tangible way.

After repeated bloodwork and another sono late in the week confirmed no heartbeat and my numbers were declining, continued peace flooded my being and I felt the words of Horatio Spafford come to mind: "It is well with my soul." Spafford penned the words to that famous hymn, after passing the spot on the Atlantic where a shipwreck claimed the lives of 4 of his daughters. Only Christ can give us such peace. As I mourned the loss of this life days before, I prayed aloud, "Thank you, Lord, for the 3 lives that I have and the 1 that you have." My D&C was Monday and thankfully, I feel no pain.

One of my favorite passages in all of Scripture is Revelations 21:5 where Jesus tells of the coming of the end of time: "Behold, I make all things new!" Indeed, in the midst of tragedy, Christ promises that some day, all things will be made right. I chose to place my hope in this tremendous truth.

I'm deeply grateful to good friends in Dallas who've stepped up and ministered to our family, be it childcare, meals brought, or time spent in person. Friends from afar have written emails, notes, called, and within hours of hearing our news, reached out immediately. What a beautiful thing community can be!


  1. Beautifully written, Suz. A friend of mine had a similar experience - 3 healthy kids and then a miscarriage. When she blogged about it, she wrote about "hope deferred." She's now a mama of 4 sweet ones. :) Love you, so glad you have been flooded with love and support - from people and the Lord - during this time. Love you, friend.xoxo

  2. suz this was so beautifully written. i have been so encouraged by how the Lord has cared for you through your loss. and you articulate and live out your hope of eternity so well. thank you for your example to me. love you. xo

  3. yes, beautifully expressed my friend. love you xxoo

  4. they're my favorites too :) Praying for you still